The Formula I Thought I Had To Follow

I came into marriage as equipped as I could have been. I had watched the educational movies, and read the books about marriage & about men and women. They were all extremely beneficial and I’m not discrediting being mentally prepared before marriage, but I feel that they instilled the idea of a formula in my head.

A couple of the things they taught me:

· I learned that I must always be a good homemaker and look good for my husband to make his day lighter when he returned home.
· I learned I had to have a cheerful attitude in everything I did, so he would desire to be around me and spend time with me.
· I learned that if I spoke his love language, he would always want to speak in mine in return.

And then real life hit me...

· I would come home mentally and physically exhausted from work. The last thing I wanted to do was clean up the house, create an extravagant dinner and put on a dress. And yet many days I did that…and then he would call to say he was running late. Utter disappointment.
· I would put on a fake smile when he got home late, but it only lasted a couple minutes- he would soon find out it was masking a lot of coldness toward him.
· I would satisfy him in the way he wanted to be satisfied (with the thought that I would then be satisfied later), and yet it seemed that my love language, quality time, always got put on the back burner.

The formula I read about, the “if”…”then”… rule soon fell apart. There is one huge fault with coming into marriage with that mindset- you married a sinful man and he married you, a sinful woman.

Yes, I believe that God has created us to act and react in certain ways. It is much easier to love a woman who is loving, kind and gentle. God’s word is true and he calls both sides to act in certain ways and His promises are true when His way is followed- NO DOUBT! And yet, life happens, stress happens and disappointment starts to kick in.

There were periods where I worked hard to keep exactly to the plan, to the formula I read about. After working so hard to be a certain person and act a certain way, I would find that it didn’t bring the results I had expected. Two things would then happen- both sinful.

Self-Centered Depression
I would end up in tears in front of my husband wondering what I was doing wrong? Why was my “love tank” so empty when I worked so hard to manipulate his actions to fill it? Was I not enough? What was I lacking?

Anger and Blame
He became the source of all emotional wrongful doing. I, self righteously, was constantly being a “good wife” and yet he was falling short in his husbandly duties.

How horribly sinful! When God called me to “die daily” and “lay down my life for my friend” how much more did he mean that in relation to the unison found in marriage.

I don’t mean all this to say that I no longer seek God’s righteousness in my marriage or not work to please my husband as the Lord commands. But ladies, just like we as Christian sinners can never achieve “holiness” in and of ourselves, we as wives can never be “perfect” in and of ourselves. Let us seek righteousness, fall at times, but continue to stand up no matter how often we fall. May the Lords name be praised in our every deed, motivation and thought!


My heart’s cry:
“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”
Psalm 51:10